SHOPPING WITH FOOLS

Now I don’t mean not to be nice and all, and it is not my intention to throw every idiot consumer under the bus, but let’s face it! IT IS JUST PLAIN WRONG. How do we know this? Just go to the grocery store and watch the madness.

Most of us probably do not have access to high-end food emporiums, like Wild Oats, Whole Foods, Wegmans, Dean Deluca, etc., nor do many know about great mail order sites like D'artagnan (oh, you must check this one out for sure!), or many of the great artisanal shops like Salumi in Seattle (Mario Batali’s Dad runs this). However, this is no excuse for being a Culinary Cretin. Here are sure-fire indicators – just peak inside my brain here for a moment:

§ Shopping cart is filled with every branded, sub-edible, chemical laden, fat encrusted, GHG charged liquid concoctions – you could not even syringe enough sugar through the twist off cap, or vacuum inject the 4000 grams of salt per serving needed for just the right balance - all sold under the guise of convenience to the morbidly obese;

§ These folks do not pay for their junk – we do, and then they get some grocery kid to load the heaping – yes plastic- bags into their Lexus SUV (oh yes, there is also a suspect handicapped sticker too), as they pole vault over to the nearest Burger King for breakfast;

§ Typical shopping lists includes stuff that is not made out of anything recognizable as a primary food ingredient – why bother when you can eat food additives instead of the real deal – much tastier and easier to prepare; one can never have to much fake cheesy chips; pre-cooked pork sausages made from saw dust and pig sweat; red dye #2 twizzle sticks (yes, need 5 bags of those for the ride home); every manner of TV dinner (sold as carefully engineered diet plans – and after a list of 100 or so chemicals, we find, 0.1% chicken extract); soda, soda, soda – 8 flavors – and better if you get the litre bottles so you are compelled to drink the whole thing or lose the fizz; shopper’s targeting computer vectors to the candy aisle – whoa! Better get another cart; and on it goes till we find that can of Dinty Moore and a tin of Vienna Sausages.

Where did we go wrong? I don’t care – but what I do care about is the fix! Here’s how we do it: IF YOU WANT TO SHOP IN THIS STORE – HERE ARE THE RULES – NO EXCEPTIONS [ouch – getting a bit Stalinesque are we?]:

§ You must have competed a basic course on nutrition and show proof positive (unless we have profiled you out of this requirement)

§ You must check in at the service desk for a briefing on reading labels (ditto)

§ You can’t buy a, b, c unless your body fat is x (ditto)

§ You must commit in writing to watch at least two episodes of any food show, preferably Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations (no cookbooks because you are probably to busy stuffing your face to read)

§ You must be able to push the cart through the store yourself (unless of course, there are issues)

§ You are not allowed to sample anything, unless it is a raw carrot

§ The following aisles are restricted (unless waived out) beer, candy, mass produced breads, fake cheese, fake meat, chips, dips and other snacks, cereals, etc. The complete list is posted throughout the store for your convenience, etc.

And finally, get off of your duff and learn how to make a few simple dishes that will allow you to expand your scant repertoire to create other things using minimal techniques, for example:

§ How to cut celery without shredding your finger (next try an onion – first think slices, then an dice, next a tomato sliced, then diced, and so on)

§ How to boil water – a real challenge, and then how to add a few ears of corn, how to shuck an ear of corn so you don’t choke on those nice wispy threads

§ How to open a can of good quality solid white tuna, and perhaps mix it with some chives, parsley, and a little mayo

§ How to make a descent omelet (without leaving half of it stuck to the bottom of the pan) which requires you to crack an egg properly and then whisk it!

§ How to roast a whole chicken so that it is evenly done at the same time

§ How to wash vegetables for a salad “Gee you mean you have to wash them first? What is a salad?”

§ How to make a basic soup - say how about you make a stock out of the chicken carcass you roasted?

§ How to make a simple peasant stew – say how about you make a stock out of the chicken carcass you roasted? Reserve, then sauté some vegetables in olive oil (how about the celery and onion you learned how to slice, maybe some garlic, carrots, leeks? Whatever you like), brown some chicken pieces in the same pan, then make a roux (what? – are you French?), then add some herbs – thyme, chervil, parsley, bay leaf, a couple of cups of white wine, add the reserved broth, and simmer for an hour or so, add some thin slices of mushrooms (you know how to slice things by now). There you go – you did it and it did not come out of a frozen foil carton.

It is interesting to note that the favorite meals of great chefs are largely composed of fresh ingredients, simply prepared; the last thing they want is something overly constructed, that is to say they want it simple: radishes with fresh butter and salt, the chicken stew above, roasted marrow bones, fresh made egg pasta with a light but flavorful dressing, basically the food that most the of poor have been eating for centuries. So how did we get from there to the frenzied grocery scenario I describe above? This is the fundamental issue that is so troubling. So many people have lost there way with the food the eat – just look around you. So, in your own small way, I challenge you to make a difference in the life of just one person. Give them the knowledge and the desire the best way you can. Feed them.

You think there is hope for these folks? I don’t…no one really cares.

Schell's Birdies, Bogies and Beers! New Ulm, MN!

What I am about to tell you is so bizarre that it defies credulity. The set up:

We stopped in New Ulm Minnesota at the Holiday Inn (see blogs on Otto’s and the dessert that was inspired by smoked pork chops), for an overnight en route to Fairmount the next morning. The Schell’s Brewery sponsored “Birdies, Bogies and Beers” annual golf contest, broadcast live by KNUJ was on that night. This event takes place every Thursday over a month or so at different venues in New Ulm (refer to movie with Renee and Connick – not actually filmed there, though – but you will get the idea). I qualified as a finalist (1 of 4) in a crazy arcade-inspired vertical golf pinball contraption with a putter that only Robin Williams could describe – it was like Cirque de Soliel. I did not know I was on live radio and all I can say is that I am so ashamed about the abuse I heaped on the Radio EMCEE. A table of folks from New Ulm kept saying things like – “I really think he is from New York”. The place was packed and I am now “Chris from New York”.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: I am in the tee box on 4^th hole at the Eagle’s Nest Country Club, Myrtle Beach poised in my back swing and the cell phone rings (not just a brriinngggg – but more of a Forbidden Planet thing – Welcome to Altaire 4 Gentlemen)…it is KNUJ to confirm my spot in the final rounds on 4/29. I tell them I’ve been away from home for 3 weeks and have to leave for Reno for a week on 5/2 and so must decline. I get back to the resort and relate the conversation - everyone says “Chris, are you nuts - this is a once in a lifetime event – you have to go – in the gut of beer country Minnesota amid all of those smoked pork chops – you have to do this!” Everyone but my Wife – who thinks I am certifiable. Well anyway, I start looking through my perks – airfare, hotel, car, etc. I make the decision – I’m in. I am crazy. It is a bucket list item!

I have two great outings with my Great River Energy buddies in Maple Grove. The afternoon of 4/29 – I make the 1.5-hour drive to New Ulm. A bowling alley this time – The Kegel Club! It is packed with people, and all of the locals that were at the Holiday Inn event remembered me. Immediately the KNUJ broadcaster says: “We’re so glad you made it – it you could not, we had it all figured out – we would do a live phone interview with you with the Owner of the Brewery with 3 people selected as your proxy for you to choose. So, since you are here – let’s have a personal interview right now.” So I did – it was a blast.

Ok – here we go! The qualifier is designed to winnow the 50 or so contestants down to the top 15, with the same set-up as the Holiday Inn. First off – some fellow with a military bearing comes over and gets me in a conversational headlock for 20 minutes. “So – your are from NY?” – then there are a lot of – “You betchas and okie dokies!” This guy is very talkative – hence the nickname - “Windy” – He says to me – “I’m going to take you down – you are not going to win this!” Okay, I get it – let the locals have there day. Only thing is – I make it to the finals and Windy and his bag of air don’t. So, now I am thinking – do I rub his nose in it and suffer another half-hour talk fest or do I just leave it alone. Naaawwww – “Windy, I am still standing – I can’t see you – you must be down!” My table erupts – I am elevated another notch!

So then, a gal steps into the tee box – but is wearing sandals. The Radio EMCEE notices and comes over: “You are wearing sandals?” “ Yes I am” – “And your toenails are painted?” Yes they are!” “ We must have a ruling on this!” “Ted" (the owner of Schell’s). Ted gets down on all fours and inspects her feet; after a moment, he proclaims – “Nope - get the duct tape!" Okay – you can’t make this stuff up. They duct tape her feet to hide her toes. Three other ladies are subject to this indignity. One guy has to put on a dress and high heels; another has the Schell’s Marketing lady hitched atop his back. Kinky New Ulm – go figure – everyone was laughing like crazy. I am thinking – whoa – NY has its thing – but this is freaked out crazy.

The real contest is a 30’ putt to a hole with water hazards – you have 5 shots; from there you move to the putt-putt up/over-inside shoot – elevated green, etc. – 5 shots for that to. Your final score is that, less what you did in the pre-qualifier. At the end of the day – I finish 5^th or 6^th – they will send me a commemorative 150- year anniversary jacket! And, the best part – I am invited back for other events: to wit: the February Bock Beer fest and the September whatever event – maybe street canoe racing with bathroom plungers instead of oars?

Okay – at the end of the day – these are great folks – a slice of Americana that has endured world wars, Woodstock and the Stock Market – it is a great place to raise a family (despite the duct tape thing), with a great work ethic and a appreciation for those simple things in life that enrich and endure.

Cheers!

Blarney Stone - Authentic Irish Pub

Ok, here we go again. I have been coming to Bismarck, ND for over 10 years now on business and just stumbled on this little gem. They only opened last October (that explains that), and are apparently getting some very good attention! To start with – I arrived on Sunday and as is typical in Bismarck, just about everything is closed…but even on Mother’s Day? The Radisson folks called every place I could think of – and although their restaurant opened at 4:00 pm – I wanted something else. The Shuttle driver said – “Hey – you need to go to the Blarney Stone!” Ok… He said it was just a block away and 4 doors down from Peacock Alley (also closed). Here’s the kicker: “Everyone I send over there has a great time –good beer, fun staff and just a nice spot to relax”. Ok, I’m in. People drive in from Mandan – so something has got to be right!

I am on my 1-hour power walk, with sweats, headphones and IPod – do I change? Naw – need to check out the Blarney. The place is just as you would expect in an Irish Pub replication. Dark woods, seems like hundreds of taps, traditional Irish music (the more popular stuff, not Gaelic, uilleann pipes, and all). Immediately, I am made to feel right at home by Shasta and Tim. We do a little demo on my Nokia Bluetooth headphones. Shasta really has a great sense of humor and heaps lots of abuse on Tim – but he is very good natured about it. Now I am getting hungry, but I am sans glasses – pay for my wine, back to hotel to retrieve them. They think I was scared off and that was it. So, I return (“Oh, you’re back?”) ready to delve into the menu. Not what I expected.

The menu has its typically pub fare – but also different items you would not expect: Irish Nachos, Mussels Malone, and Smoked Salmon Lox for starters; Sandwiches include: Smoked Sicilian and Honey Cashew Chicken, for example with a great array of burgers and specialty items like Guinness Irish Stew, Shepard’s Pie, Bangers and Mash and a Black & Tan Sirloin (at a very reasonable $16.99 – it is the priciest thing on the menu), along with a great selection of imports and artisan ales. You can even get Clamato Juice in your ale! I had some delicious wings and the Smoked Salmon (nice presentation and very tasty!).

Very nice Clientele – and a real mix of young and older folks too. Manager Kirsten is very proud of her business and I noticed plenty attention to detail and no one goofing off, except me. The staff is very convivial and fun (Amanda and Gabrielle, too).

On balance, the Blarney Stone delivers great food at modest prices, outstanding selection of beverages, and a very relaxing atmosphere (although, I’m sure it can get very hectic in there). For me, on that Sunday, it was the best! I need to go back there.

Slainte!

Ike's at MSP Airport - Wow!

Well – I have been asked to continue my blogs on airport dining – so then, here we go! Many people succumb to “first convenient spot available and miss many opportunities for really good eats!” Let me tell you about Ike’s!

Located at the MSP - that’s Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. This is not your standard airport food fare. I have been eating there for years and the remarkable thing its not just about the quality and diversity of offerings, but also consistency of preparation and service and the most attentive and friendliest of staff! Ike’s is a jewel at MSP!

From the moment you enter, you are impressed with the ambiance. The acoustics facilitates business or intimate conversation; the lighting makes you warm and comfortable and table spacing is designed for relaxation at an unhurried pace.

I always get the iceberg lettuce, bacon, the blue cheese salad, the pork-filled pot stickers, and the shrimp cocktail (remarkable)! But, let us but let us not stop there! The menu is enriched with special small plates, classic American favorites (meaning gravy), as well as an array of interesting beef, seafood, sandwiches, salads, soups and just about everything including crab cakes! The staff is fantastic and makes you feel so special. I wish to thank Latira and Zaida for their attention to detail and just all around fun.

So, next time when at MSP– you know where to go!

Let’s face it – you don’t get quality on the cheap – if that’s what you’re after – why are you even reading this…I want, you want, a cascading waterfall of flavor, fun and good eats!