SHOPPING WITH FOOLS

Now I don’t mean not to be nice and all, and it is not my intention to throw every idiot consumer under the bus, but let’s face it! IT IS JUST PLAIN WRONG. How do we know this? Just go to the grocery store and watch the madness.

Most of us probably do not have access to high-end food emporiums, like Wild Oats, Whole Foods, Wegmans, Dean Deluca, etc., nor do many know about great mail order sites like D'artagnan (oh, you must check this one out for sure!), or many of the great artisanal shops like Salumi in Seattle (Mario Batali’s Dad runs this). However, this is no excuse for being a Culinary Cretin. Here are sure-fire indicators – just peak inside my brain here for a moment:

§ Shopping cart is filled with every branded, sub-edible, chemical laden, fat encrusted, GHG charged liquid concoctions – you could not even syringe enough sugar through the twist off cap, or vacuum inject the 4000 grams of salt per serving needed for just the right balance - all sold under the guise of convenience to the morbidly obese;

§ These folks do not pay for their junk – we do, and then they get some grocery kid to load the heaping – yes plastic- bags into their Lexus SUV (oh yes, there is also a suspect handicapped sticker too), as they pole vault over to the nearest Burger King for breakfast;

§ Typical shopping lists includes stuff that is not made out of anything recognizable as a primary food ingredient – why bother when you can eat food additives instead of the real deal – much tastier and easier to prepare; one can never have to much fake cheesy chips; pre-cooked pork sausages made from saw dust and pig sweat; red dye #2 twizzle sticks (yes, need 5 bags of those for the ride home); every manner of TV dinner (sold as carefully engineered diet plans – and after a list of 100 or so chemicals, we find, 0.1% chicken extract); soda, soda, soda – 8 flavors – and better if you get the litre bottles so you are compelled to drink the whole thing or lose the fizz; shopper’s targeting computer vectors to the candy aisle – whoa! Better get another cart; and on it goes till we find that can of Dinty Moore and a tin of Vienna Sausages.

Where did we go wrong? I don’t care – but what I do care about is the fix! Here’s how we do it: IF YOU WANT TO SHOP IN THIS STORE – HERE ARE THE RULES – NO EXCEPTIONS [ouch – getting a bit Stalinesque are we?]:

§ You must have competed a basic course on nutrition and show proof positive (unless we have profiled you out of this requirement)

§ You must check in at the service desk for a briefing on reading labels (ditto)

§ You can’t buy a, b, c unless your body fat is x (ditto)

§ You must commit in writing to watch at least two episodes of any food show, preferably Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations (no cookbooks because you are probably to busy stuffing your face to read)

§ You must be able to push the cart through the store yourself (unless of course, there are issues)

§ You are not allowed to sample anything, unless it is a raw carrot

§ The following aisles are restricted (unless waived out) beer, candy, mass produced breads, fake cheese, fake meat, chips, dips and other snacks, cereals, etc. The complete list is posted throughout the store for your convenience, etc.

And finally, get off of your duff and learn how to make a few simple dishes that will allow you to expand your scant repertoire to create other things using minimal techniques, for example:

§ How to cut celery without shredding your finger (next try an onion – first think slices, then an dice, next a tomato sliced, then diced, and so on)

§ How to boil water – a real challenge, and then how to add a few ears of corn, how to shuck an ear of corn so you don’t choke on those nice wispy threads

§ How to open a can of good quality solid white tuna, and perhaps mix it with some chives, parsley, and a little mayo

§ How to make a descent omelet (without leaving half of it stuck to the bottom of the pan) which requires you to crack an egg properly and then whisk it!

§ How to roast a whole chicken so that it is evenly done at the same time

§ How to wash vegetables for a salad “Gee you mean you have to wash them first? What is a salad?”

§ How to make a basic soup - say how about you make a stock out of the chicken carcass you roasted?

§ How to make a simple peasant stew – say how about you make a stock out of the chicken carcass you roasted? Reserve, then sauté some vegetables in olive oil (how about the celery and onion you learned how to slice, maybe some garlic, carrots, leeks? Whatever you like), brown some chicken pieces in the same pan, then make a roux (what? – are you French?), then add some herbs – thyme, chervil, parsley, bay leaf, a couple of cups of white wine, add the reserved broth, and simmer for an hour or so, add some thin slices of mushrooms (you know how to slice things by now). There you go – you did it and it did not come out of a frozen foil carton.

It is interesting to note that the favorite meals of great chefs are largely composed of fresh ingredients, simply prepared; the last thing they want is something overly constructed, that is to say they want it simple: radishes with fresh butter and salt, the chicken stew above, roasted marrow bones, fresh made egg pasta with a light but flavorful dressing, basically the food that most the of poor have been eating for centuries. So how did we get from there to the frenzied grocery scenario I describe above? This is the fundamental issue that is so troubling. So many people have lost there way with the food the eat – just look around you. So, in your own small way, I challenge you to make a difference in the life of just one person. Give them the knowledge and the desire the best way you can. Feed them.

You think there is hope for these folks? I don’t…no one really cares.