Schell's Birdies, Bogies and Beers! New Ulm, MN!

What I am about to tell you is so bizarre that it defies credulity. The set up:

We stopped in New Ulm Minnesota at the Holiday Inn (see blogs on Otto’s and the dessert that was inspired by smoked pork chops), for an overnight en route to Fairmount the next morning. The Schell’s Brewery sponsored “Birdies, Bogies and Beers” annual golf contest, broadcast live by KNUJ was on that night. This event takes place every Thursday over a month or so at different venues in New Ulm (refer to movie with Renee and Connick – not actually filmed there, though – but you will get the idea). I qualified as a finalist (1 of 4) in a crazy arcade-inspired vertical golf pinball contraption with a putter that only Robin Williams could describe – it was like Cirque de Soliel. I did not know I was on live radio and all I can say is that I am so ashamed about the abuse I heaped on the Radio EMCEE. A table of folks from New Ulm kept saying things like – “I really think he is from New York”. The place was packed and I am now “Chris from New York”.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: I am in the tee box on 4^th hole at the Eagle’s Nest Country Club, Myrtle Beach poised in my back swing and the cell phone rings (not just a brriinngggg – but more of a Forbidden Planet thing – Welcome to Altaire 4 Gentlemen)…it is KNUJ to confirm my spot in the final rounds on 4/29. I tell them I’ve been away from home for 3 weeks and have to leave for Reno for a week on 5/2 and so must decline. I get back to the resort and relate the conversation - everyone says “Chris, are you nuts - this is a once in a lifetime event – you have to go – in the gut of beer country Minnesota amid all of those smoked pork chops – you have to do this!” Everyone but my Wife – who thinks I am certifiable. Well anyway, I start looking through my perks – airfare, hotel, car, etc. I make the decision – I’m in. I am crazy. It is a bucket list item!

I have two great outings with my Great River Energy buddies in Maple Grove. The afternoon of 4/29 – I make the 1.5-hour drive to New Ulm. A bowling alley this time – The Kegel Club! It is packed with people, and all of the locals that were at the Holiday Inn event remembered me. Immediately the KNUJ broadcaster says: “We’re so glad you made it – it you could not, we had it all figured out – we would do a live phone interview with you with the Owner of the Brewery with 3 people selected as your proxy for you to choose. So, since you are here – let’s have a personal interview right now.” So I did – it was a blast.

Ok – here we go! The qualifier is designed to winnow the 50 or so contestants down to the top 15, with the same set-up as the Holiday Inn. First off – some fellow with a military bearing comes over and gets me in a conversational headlock for 20 minutes. “So – your are from NY?” – then there are a lot of – “You betchas and okie dokies!” This guy is very talkative – hence the nickname - “Windy” – He says to me – “I’m going to take you down – you are not going to win this!” Okay, I get it – let the locals have there day. Only thing is – I make it to the finals and Windy and his bag of air don’t. So, now I am thinking – do I rub his nose in it and suffer another half-hour talk fest or do I just leave it alone. Naaawwww – “Windy, I am still standing – I can’t see you – you must be down!” My table erupts – I am elevated another notch!

So then, a gal steps into the tee box – but is wearing sandals. The Radio EMCEE notices and comes over: “You are wearing sandals?” “ Yes I am” – “And your toenails are painted?” Yes they are!” “ We must have a ruling on this!” “Ted" (the owner of Schell’s). Ted gets down on all fours and inspects her feet; after a moment, he proclaims – “Nope - get the duct tape!" Okay – you can’t make this stuff up. They duct tape her feet to hide her toes. Three other ladies are subject to this indignity. One guy has to put on a dress and high heels; another has the Schell’s Marketing lady hitched atop his back. Kinky New Ulm – go figure – everyone was laughing like crazy. I am thinking – whoa – NY has its thing – but this is freaked out crazy.

The real contest is a 30’ putt to a hole with water hazards – you have 5 shots; from there you move to the putt-putt up/over-inside shoot – elevated green, etc. – 5 shots for that to. Your final score is that, less what you did in the pre-qualifier. At the end of the day – I finish 5^th or 6^th – they will send me a commemorative 150- year anniversary jacket! And, the best part – I am invited back for other events: to wit: the February Bock Beer fest and the September whatever event – maybe street canoe racing with bathroom plungers instead of oars?

Okay – at the end of the day – these are great folks – a slice of Americana that has endured world wars, Woodstock and the Stock Market – it is a great place to raise a family (despite the duct tape thing), with a great work ethic and a appreciation for those simple things in life that enrich and endure.

Cheers!