Eat This, Not That ~ Eat This AND That!!

Ever ponder what it would be like to experience an entire year of traveling among the most wonderfully food-centered cultures of our planet? The mere thought of this hypothetical sends chills down my spine. The peopling of our world embraces thousands of years of culinary trial and error, only to arrive at the ultimate in perfection; hell, I could spend 100 years just in Asia. What would you do with one year, a blank check and nothing to do but explore, eat, reflect and do it all over again the very next day. I think I have just described the life of Anthony Bourdain. This current gig of his is absolutely unparalled in the annals of anything, and like any thoughtful human being, he certainly does not take this for granted. What amazing set of string theory accidents propelled him from a baby into this most amazing adventure. You could not make this up in a thousand years. What is the learining here? It is this: someone was needed to jack hammer us out of our slumbering mediocraty, as we have been narcotized with opulence and don't even have a clue, save for a few very lucky souls, how rich and complete life can be. We do not echo anything worthwhile, particularly when a simple rice paddy farmer has more character and beauty at each footfall, than we can amass in a lifetime. Broken and bended at the back, day after day, yet...

Schell's Birdies, Bogies and Beers! New Ulm, MN!

What I am about to tell you is so bizarre that it defies credulity. The set up:

We stopped in New Ulm Minnesota at the Holiday Inn (see blogs on Otto’s and the dessert that was inspired by smoked pork chops), for an overnight en route to Fairmount the next morning. The Schell’s Brewery sponsored “Birdies, Bogies and Beers” annual golf contest, broadcast live by KNUJ was on that night. This event takes place every Thursday over a month or so at different venues in New Ulm (refer to movie with Renee and Connick – not actually filmed there, though – but you will get the idea). I qualified as a finalist (1 of 4) in a crazy arcade-inspired vertical golf pinball contraption with a putter that only Robin Williams could describe – it was like Cirque de Soliel. I did not know I was on live radio and all I can say is that I am so ashamed about the abuse I heaped on the Radio EMCEE. A table of folks from New Ulm kept saying things like – “I really think he is from New York”. The place was packed and I am now “Chris from New York”.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: I am in the tee box on 4^th hole at the Eagle’s Nest Country Club, Myrtle Beach poised in my back swing and the cell phone rings (not just a brriinngggg – but more of a Forbidden Planet thing – Welcome to Altaire 4 Gentlemen)…it is KNUJ to confirm my spot in the final rounds on 4/29. I tell them I’ve been away from home for 3 weeks and have to leave for Reno for a week on 5/2 and so must decline. I get back to the resort and relate the conversation - everyone says “Chris, are you nuts - this is a once in a lifetime event – you have to go – in the gut of beer country Minnesota amid all of those smoked pork chops – you have to do this!” Everyone but my Wife – who thinks I am certifiable. Well anyway, I start looking through my perks – airfare, hotel, car, etc. I make the decision – I’m in. I am crazy. It is a bucket list item!

I have two great outings with my Great River Energy buddies in Maple Grove. The afternoon of 4/29 – I make the 1.5-hour drive to New Ulm. A bowling alley this time – The Kegel Club! It is packed with people, and all of the locals that were at the Holiday Inn event remembered me. Immediately the KNUJ broadcaster says: “We’re so glad you made it – it you could not, we had it all figured out – we would do a live phone interview with you with the Owner of the Brewery with 3 people selected as your proxy for you to choose. So, since you are here – let’s have a personal interview right now.” So I did – it was a blast.

Ok – here we go! The qualifier is designed to winnow the 50 or so contestants down to the top 15, with the same set-up as the Holiday Inn. First off – some fellow with a military bearing comes over and gets me in a conversational headlock for 20 minutes. “So – your are from NY?” – then there are a lot of – “You betchas and okie dokies!” This guy is very talkative – hence the nickname - “Windy” – He says to me – “I’m going to take you down – you are not going to win this!” Okay, I get it – let the locals have there day. Only thing is – I make it to the finals and Windy and his bag of air don’t. So, now I am thinking – do I rub his nose in it and suffer another half-hour talk fest or do I just leave it alone. Naaawwww – “Windy, I am still standing – I can’t see you – you must be down!” My table erupts – I am elevated another notch!

So then, a gal steps into the tee box – but is wearing sandals. The Radio EMCEE notices and comes over: “You are wearing sandals?” “ Yes I am” – “And your toenails are painted?” Yes they are!” “ We must have a ruling on this!” “Ted" (the owner of Schell’s). Ted gets down on all fours and inspects her feet; after a moment, he proclaims – “Nope - get the duct tape!" Okay – you can’t make this stuff up. They duct tape her feet to hide her toes. Three other ladies are subject to this indignity. One guy has to put on a dress and high heels; another has the Schell’s Marketing lady hitched atop his back. Kinky New Ulm – go figure – everyone was laughing like crazy. I am thinking – whoa – NY has its thing – but this is freaked out crazy.

The real contest is a 30’ putt to a hole with water hazards – you have 5 shots; from there you move to the putt-putt up/over-inside shoot – elevated green, etc. – 5 shots for that to. Your final score is that, less what you did in the pre-qualifier. At the end of the day – I finish 5^th or 6^th – they will send me a commemorative 150- year anniversary jacket! And, the best part – I am invited back for other events: to wit: the February Bock Beer fest and the September whatever event – maybe street canoe racing with bathroom plungers instead of oars?

Okay – at the end of the day – these are great folks – a slice of Americana that has endured world wars, Woodstock and the Stock Market – it is a great place to raise a family (despite the duct tape thing), with a great work ethic and a appreciation for those simple things in life that enrich and endure.

Cheers!

Here we go again! Celebrity Chefs

This is a bona fide phenomenon. I remember back in the very early nineties, watching a very young Emeril Lagasse, another fellow, Pasquale Carpino, who would belt out operatic arias and steam saute his way through the show, Martin Yan, also very young, and of course Julia Child and Jacques Pepin. Who would have thought that almost 20 years later we would have such an array of TV entertainment dedicated to food and the people who cook it! Giada, can you say for me: "brooschkettaaa"? Mario, can you say: "the undisputed king of cheese, parmegianno reggggggiaannooooo"? Emeril - how about: Bam, bam, bam-bam? Guy Fieri - is it money or is it just off the hook? Paula - can you make anything without a "1/2 pound of buuutteeerrr"? Tyler - how about the "ultimate" farte? Bobby - just how many chili peppers does it take to grill a shrimp? Oh, speaking of peppers, Rick Bayless is purported to be the best ambassador of authentic Mexican cuisine in the US, and I am inclined to agree - he does not really have any signature tag lines - but he could speak at little less deliberately. Andrew Zimmerman - what the hell are you going to choke down next - stinky tofu smeared on a bagel, topped with wild boar snot? How about the Iron Chef, with that stringy acrobatic host - cause we need him to coordinate everything - a panel of no less than 3 "experts", two of which typically don't know a damn thing about cooking, a mystery ingredient that each battle contestant has known about for several weeks, and Alton Brown, chirping his way through the show with a blizzard of gastronomic food facts, like I care. The worst is that other commentator - Kevin Brauch - he adds such richness and dimension to the program when he recaps the scoring formula and helps me count to 5; I was left in tatters when he told Alton about the fish poop and kelp ice cream Iron Chef Morimoto had just made. Then you have Gordon Ramsay: yeah, bollux the bloody whatever, throw the dish down the bloody toilet and get the f%$&** out of here, you ingrate!" (Wow that does feel refreshing) This is only the beginning - it will never end, and it will provide ongoing fodder for food bloggers all over the world. Out of this chaotic melange of celebrity chefs, comes at least one with the integrity, the selflessness and creativity to dominate the food scene: What would we do to fill our pantries without Sandra Lee?

This was such fun that I think I'll do another blog on Celebrity Chefs.

Anthony Bourdain ~ finally someone gets me!

This is the man that changed everything, and pretty much all at once with the birth of No Reservations! He has spent 28 years sweating, smoking, drinking, eating, creating and enjoying his career immensely. Now, he has achieved the pinnacle of prominence, the acme of ACME, the fundamental Holy Grail of what I believe to be the very best profession imaginable: he writes, eats, travels and is always hungry for more. Not every Chef could pull this off. His appeal is so refreshing, and a sharp departure from the well-scripted verse imposed by the FoodTV network. Anthony would never tolerate such a thing. In a staccato burst of creative expletives (I mean, how can you not admire a fellow like that), he would storm out of the #$%&&* set in a blaze of fury, snarling with abject disdain. Why do I like this guy? Because he is the real deal - not some pre-fabricated TV personality. And, I have noticed a subtle change over his 5 seasons. He is focusing increasingly on the human condition and the learnings so generously offered, with food as the pivot point! This is the friction that ignites the story. Everything about his show captures the essence, the spirit, the core of his view in the moment of exploration. He reactions are always genuine. There is a bit of a hard edge to him, that when turned inside out reveals a very soft downy, almost drowsy lining that has such appeal. He can be warm, yet turn on a dime into a scathing critic of whatever is in his view finder at that instant. His enjoyment of food is boundless. The contemporary physio-metrics and the science of metabolic processing demands grafting a porta-potty to his backside ~ how can he survive some of those ethnic feasting bouts? Would that I could travel to the some of the special places that he's been - thank God he provides a vehicle for the unexplorable. He gets me, because I get him!

The Movable Feast ~ Friday Day 5:

By now, my cholesterol levels lie beyond the limits of present measurability. I have taken on a unique skin tone, no doubt attributed to the natural sheen my coat has absorbed from fat.

318 Mill Café (Excelsior, MN): Matt found this little gem for our final lunch that was a convenient shot for me to the MSP airport. Greg Archer, another GRE Environmental Professional joined us. We began with two homemade pizzas: apple, bacon, gorgonzola and a Serrano ham, pear & chevre, accented with a spinach/balsamic reduction. The dough is made fresh daily. We generally don’t like to mix fruit with savory on pizzas, but the combination work very well. For my main lunch, I ordered the Cured Meat tray that included very generous portions of Serrano, sopressata, chorizo, conrnichons, kalamata olives, sautéed walnuts and baguette. Greg had a taco assortment, his favorite being the potato, chorizo, with queso fresco. Then there is Matt; his deliberations took quite a while ~ he must have reviewed their little menu 100 times, interspersing his reading with forays to inspect the dessert bar. He finally decided on a turkey, brie, apple sandwich slathered with honey/pecan butter. He then “taco cost averaged” his way into two nice ones: the chorizo potato and also shredded chicken. We were stuffed, but not Matt – he consumed a rather huge artisan cupcake in about three bites. I sweat just thinking about it! If you get a chance, you must go to the 318 Mill Café, it won’t disappoint!

Thanks!

At the end of the day, it is amazing how food can bring people of diverse interests together, and is this particular instance, to share the gluttonous bounty produced during this week-long harvest. Thanks to Erik for his home-smoked salmon, to Lloyd Brandt for the smoked salmon from Lowes, and a special thanks to Matt for all of the work he must have invested to bring this all together. He has already commenced preparations for my next visit. To preview: indigenous fresh Lake Superior fish boils; outdoor pizza oven cook your own, adventure; Thai submarine sandwiches (this I gotta experience) and Heaven knows what else is lurking behind that under-nourished noggin of his! Bon Appetite!

ps ~ Minnesota, who would have ever guessed!

pss ~ apologies for my incorrect assertion in a prior article that "anything on a stick" is a signature Minnesotan dish - only at the State Fair, where you can bet your last dollar that each year out performs the last in this regard.

Sonoran Hot Dog Diggety

Every place has its signature food stuff: Chicago Hot Dog and Deep Dish Pizza; NYC Deli Sandwiches and Neapolitan Pizzas; Minnesota - anything served on a stick and the Bloody Mary Wars (they just can't put enough stuff into a Bloody Mary, for example: shrimp, Polish Sausage link, celery, hard boiled egg, carrot stick, beef jerky - all at once mind you, with a beer chaser to boot! I should do a blog just on Minnesota); Southern Fried Chicken, Texas BBQ, and so on. Well, I was in Tucson recently and had a great stay at the Las Brisas near the airport. The Hotel food was just fine, but I asked the Reservation Desk about escabeche and such, and was advised that the Sonoran Hot Dog was exceptionally unique. Well, let us proceed forthwith!

Let me explain this tasty roadside treat (and anyone from Chicago, please take note, as if you can't get enough fat charged goodness!).

The hot dog is wrapped in bacon (yes, the addition of bacon improves anything) and grilled. It is then nestled into a soft torta-bread like bun, and the following items are applied: beans, tomato, onion, mustard, mayo, salsa verde, and occasionally avocado and/or guacamole. It is absolutely fabulous and I could eat them all day long

So, grab onto a cactus, add an ice cold Dos Equis, and pop a couple of these little darlins' into your mouth ~ napkins are optional!

The Pupu Platter

The Pupu Platter (Flickr photo) is a wonderfully composed contrivance of tasty tidbits. Legend has it that the Pupu was twirled up by a Cantonese chef at Don the Beachcomber in the mid 1930's for customers to enjoy with exotic drinks of the time. The Pupu has endured because of its alluring reminiscence of the south sea islands. Typically, the Pupu is comprised of fried chicken wings, crab rangoon (wonton skins filled with cream cheese and crabmeat), rumaki (again, an invented dish of bacon wrapped chicken livers and water chestnuts), thin slices of barbecued pork (aka char sui ~ very Chinese), glazed spareribs, egg rolls, and sometimes beef satay that customers could grill at the table. Now, there's an interesting combo ~ let's place fiery hot charcoal embers or a can of live lit Sterno in front of someone who has imbibed about 6 mai tais, and watch the fun! The "p" in Pupu sometimes stands for Pyrotechnics. Actually, Pupu or little bites in Hawaiian is similar to the Chinese translation of Dim Sum. This whole arrangement is fanned out on a wooden dish or plate with a nice saucer of hot mustard in the center.

I love the Pupu, while many sneer with contemptuous disgust. It is simple pleasure that takes me to a time and place of palm trees, white sand beaches, the scent of flowers in the ocean breeze and azure waters. The array of flavors, textures and aromas is captivating, particularly when nestled among fish nets, Tiki statues, torches and dried bloated puffer fish suspended from the ceiling.

Breakfast Commentary

Well, you see them everywhere, but primarily in queue awaiting the certainty of a sublime narcosis induced by amounts of food so vast that any expectation of quality is irrelevant. What is it that has attracted such legions of professional buffet goers? And, they continue to spawn generations of devotees. How did things devolve to such a state?

I have a theory that is co-mingled with the same ingredients that gave rise to this slothful herd of grazers, as with those forces that also created the culture of entitlement! For the love of God, how many breakfast platters, strewn with fields of a disgusting mush of potatoes, diced peppers, well beyond their productive lives, infested with mismanaged rashers of bacon, or worse yet "facsimile" of sausage, overly faux buttered toast points, and no less than 6 extra large eggs (cooked to your preference) can be consumed, or worse yet, enjoyed. Everything about this meal is horrid. I am not sure, but many top chefs have been said to judge the career potential of a new intern by their ability to prepare a simple scrambled egg. Yet many of these "value" restaurants breed a staff of line cooks that can neither scramble, poach, nor fry an egg without out ruining its intrinsic characteristic.

There is hope: I plead with you to take notice of the varying breakfasts enjoyed by millions of people: inexpensive, highly nutritious, satisfying, and easy to prepare:

China: Gee Ha Wot Mein - wonton noodles (simmer skins cut into strips in boiling water for a few minutes, drain) and top with oyster sauce, light soy sauce, sesame oil, sesame seeds and a little chile garlic paste

India: idlis and dosas with tea and milk, often with samosas (wow! you could have mimosas with this too! - not Indian but the orange juice and champagne concoction has an appealing symmetry!)

Switzerland: muesli - grains with nuts, and yogurt

Mexico: huevos rancheros..... and so on.

Yet many of you still cringe at the thought of departure from mainstream breakfast fare. You know who you are, and do care one whit what people in Tibet or the Maldives have for their morning meal. (You are neither compelled to go blog surfing to find the perfect breakfast alternative).

So, have some fun, do a little research, and for some special occasion, please depart from the same old boring, lackluster breakfast. (Yes, I too, but infrequently, enjoy the elusive, expertly crafted homemade biscuit with sausage gravy, but I can assure you that it is not prepared by that ilk that slings up the breakfast platter spectacular!)